An Insecurity Musing
Tonight I am missing my honey a lot. He left to go back to Central Asia, and life without him is just not the same. The teens and I have been blessed beyond measure by the hospitality of friends and family who are letting us spend time with them and interrupt their lives, but we are one member short in our family of four. Not to complain but to be honest, I must admit to some loneliness and feeling out of my element. Cultural shock is hitting harder than I thought it would with my emotions looking too much like a roller coaster ride. My daughter reminded me tonight that God has us here this summer for a reason. She is right, but right now it doesn't feel like it.
This week I read in I Samuel about Saul, the first king of Israel. Frankly, I don't like the guy. He is insecure which causes him to make bad decisions and get in trouble with God and Samuel. I am finding that I have way too much in common with the guy. All this transition is bringing out the insecurity in me, and I hate it. Saul's insecurity came out through his false humility in hiding when he was appointed king, not waiting for Samuel to make the sacrifice before the battle, and making a rash vow that almost resulted in the death of his son. My insecurity comes out in talking too much, second guessing my decisions and worrying about how I look. It is a battle I have fought before and thought was behind me.
I have also been reading about Saul's son, Jonathon. Now I would like to be more like this guy. In I Samuel, Jonathon and his armour bearer take on a whole garrison of Philistines ultimately turning the battle in favour of the Israelites. Some might call Jonathon crazy, but I would say that he believed that with God and in God's power, he could do the impossible. Just a chapter later, he is singled out to die due to a rash vow by his father. He accepts his fate. His life is in God's hands. By the grace of God, the men of Israel would not let Jonathon be killed. God's hand is upon him. As I continue to read tomorrow, I can't wait to get to the part of I Samuel where it talks about the friendship of Jonathon and Saul.
Saul and Jonathon were father and son but very different. Saul looked to himself. Jonathon looked to God. Saul made his decisions based on what others' thought or what he thought they thought. Jonathon made his decisions by God's leading. Saul's goal was to bring himself glory whereas Jonathon's goal was to bring God glory. As I write this, I am listening to praise music and realigning my thinking as I listen to songs that remind me of who God is. Tomorrow is another day. A day where I can live knowing that in God's power, I can do this crazy transition thing. God does have a plan for my summer. I may never know fully what that is but that is okay. I do know He is working on me and reminding me of what is important and not to get sidetracked along the way. So tonight I am once again giving my insecurities to God. I am praying that I will be obedient to what He has for me each day. My prayer is that I will have a listening heart not only to God's voice but to really hear the stories of those God puts in my path. I am praying that my insecurity won't be my downfall as it was with Saul. May I instead remember that I am a daughter of the King, loved and forgiven, and live accordingly.